"Top 10 Bizarre Biblical Tales"

In response to this list.

Not to completely miss the point of the post (I'm ignoring the point; it's different), but as someone who actually studies the Bible, I have a lot of trouble taking this article seriously. Pointing out how ridiculous a lot of the Bible is? That's a noble end, and something that people have been doing basically since we had a Bible to point at (it's where we get the Rabbinic tradition of the Midrash, and the Kabbalah [and from that, Hasidic Judaism], and a lot of post-Biblical Christian commentary), and frankly, believers and non-believers alike should get in on the fun. We have way too many people setting the Bible up as The One Cornerstone of Western Civilization without reading it first, and I don't care if you want to rip it to shreds by pointing out the rampant ridiculousness — at least you're reading it.

But that being said, it starts with the inaccuracies in the first example. Elisha was the prophet who summoned holy bears, not Elijah. Moreover, if you wanted to show Biblical immorality and irrelevance through a rape story, it'd be better for your argument to go with the story of King David's virgin daughter, Tamar: not only does her brother Amnon rape her, but the Jonadab (the Jonah Hill to Amnon's Michael Cera) helps him set the rape up and her reward for struggling and being violated? Exile to the house of their other brother, Absalom.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE! Unspoken but tacit in the story (at least in the translations I've read) is Amnon's assumption that, because Tamar is beautiful, she caused him to fall in love and, thus, rape her. Now, the text doesn't treat her rape as a good act, let alone a remotely excusable one... but by not calling out this assumption, it leaves it open for rape apologists and victim-blamers to come in and take Amnon's side, especially when Tamar tries to save herself with the compromise of having their father, the king, let them get married legally. (Their father, by the way, does jack shit nothing to punish Amnon for this.)

BUT WAIT. THERE'S STILL MORE! So, Tamar goes to Absalom's house, which means that Absalom must be a pretty good guy, right? …Well, yes, kind of. But he also says to her, "Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart." So, uhm. You know, pardon my projecting of my 21st century values onto the story, but exactly what kind of thing is that to tell your sister after she's just had her life ruined?

Oh, and in the end? The story of Tamar's rape is not only focused on the male experience, rather than Tamar's, but it's just used as a set up to Absalom's murder of Amnon and she ceases to be relevant as soon as she's living as a disgraced woman.

Yes, I am serious. YES, THIS IS IN THE BIBLE. If you're feeling really brave, check out Ezekiel 16 — it's even worse.